по поводу нижеследующего перевода.
вспомнилось почему-то старенькое - и ну себе переводиться!
однако основным остался смысл - ритм и рифмовка поменялись, но не в этом суть. а в том, что, ввиду сложности оборотов исходника, потерялась в переводе: он (особенно местами) вообще английски удобоварим?? или легче выбросить и не морочить голову никому, в т.ч. и себе?
люди знающие, плз, скажите свое веское фу!
*
this is the english version of one of my old poems (I remember I've promiced
Gabbiano to translate some about seagulls... it's not
about. but gulls encluding))
so the question is:
to be or not to be? is it understandable? or I surpassed myself in plexuses?
...and somewhere rhythm seems to be broken... m?
here it is:
***
…and your half of my heart isn’t sleeping tonight yet.
It would like to get drunk and to coat splitting scars
of asymphytous stitches with valerian
so as see ―
baking southerly sun on the faces;
like a ripe melon, day is dividing in half from the rise to sunset…
It’s being warmed up and bright, thoughtless, serene and tight,
and ― as limpid sweet juice ―
trickling down swarthy arms from the mountainsides
(by the seizing them houses that look like being built for the starlings)
to the depth of becoming dark sea…
After turning to splash
gull's indulgently tossing its black-bordered wings ―
surf is gulping a handful of coins… Fruity-voiced water-nymph
will get new string for sonorous necklace.
So be it ―
as for sailors her call isn’t a hindrance at all: bygone tune
day by day gets worn out alluring abyss far weaker …
…but this lullaby pulse will be heard at the far seaboard once
by my half of your heart that is, too, neversleeping.
( исходник )